Recently Kam has expressed to me that he does not want to blog any more. At first I was sad and felt let down. I was so excited to start this blog with him for healing purposes and also the thought of maybe helping someone else. He too was happy about our blogging together. We had hopes of maybe writing a book.
One day while at work, he texted me and said that he had to talk to me about something. Of course I said to myself “what now?” That is one of the worst things to leave a mom hanging with. Later that night he came to me and expressed that blogging for him wasn’t easy. In my head I was thinking, you’re transgender! How can you have nothing to write to about?! Well, actually the first thing he said was “he does not want being trans to define him. He said he struggled with things to write about. Turns out blogging was bringing too much pain to him. The pain of remembering his feelings of wanting so much to be male while growing up female was causing him to be anxious. The memories were causing him to be depressed. In fact he wrestled with telling me this in the first place. He was not comfortable revisiting those feelings. Of course I said right away “sure Kam no problem”. That wasn’t how I really felt at the time. I was selfish in thinking “what about OUR blog site? What about helping others? What about the healing?” I mean we said we would do this together. We were so excited. It took me a couple of days to realize that if blogging was harming him instead of healing him, then he should stop. I texted him and said “I need to talk to you”. He texted back and said “what did I do now? What did I forget about? And I’m sorry.” I should have left him hanging…lol but I didn’t. I simply texted back and said I wanted to discuss his not wanting to blog anymore.
Later that night I told him how I felt at first but then after thinking about it my thoughts had changed. I told him that I had to take a few days to see his pint of view. Yes he is trans, yes more people need to be educated but the thought of my son being in more pain because of blogging? He is SO much more than being trans. He should not feel defined by that. I told him I understood that. He then told me that he would still want to educate people and help but not through remembering the pain and embarrassment in his past.
He will again attend Camp Lost Boys in April. It is a camp for FTM people to come together and relive their past as male and do the things (as male) that they couldn’t do because at the time they were seen as female. My hope for him is that he will learn more about who Kameron is and what Kameron wants for his future.
So from now on I will be the one blogging. We will still have the same website name and post pictures of usJ. Please continue to share our site and ask questions! WE LOVE IT