“The hell you are,” one of the worst things I ever said to Kam. That night was the worst night in my life and this journey began.
A few weeks prior Kam was at a show. He was in a great band that played various places. He is a fantastic drummer. I held his phone for him. He asked me take pictures. At that time (and still today) I wasn’t tech savvy. That being said, I clicked on things and opened stuff, I probably dropped it too. A text message came onto the screen and…yes I read it. I knew I was in the wrong. I felt bad, but I kept reading. This was the message that shifted my THINKING into KNOWING that something was in fact different with him (her at the time). I didn’t say anything to him right away.
One evening after I came home he was waiting up to talk to me. I admitted I saw and read the text. He was VERY upset with me. Rightfully so. Our voices grew louder as we talked through this. We actually ended up in different rooms while yelling at each other. Now you have to understand this was kid who never raised his voice. Heck, he never had time out while growing up! He finally said the words…
“Mom I think I’m gay.”
I died a little and replied, “oh no you’re not you were not born that way.” He slammed his book on the table put his hood up and left for his bedroom. I waited for the door slam but in never happened. I guess the book slamming was his anger.
The next day came and we didn’t talk. That was strange. We never had a fight before. Us not speaking was awful. This lasted for about a day and a half. Finally I said c’mon let’s talk some more and figure this out. We both said hurtful things and understood that we didn’t mean it. This was a whole new chapter we were embarking on. Our words and emotions took us to a place neither one of us had ever been with each other before. And I knew for sure I never wanted to be there again. We sat and talked. Only a little yelling at this point. I had a lot of explaining to do about reading the text.
“I don’t know why I read it,” I said. Who was I kidding? I saw a text on my seventeen year old’s phone that began with ‘I think I’m gay,’ of course I’m going to keep reading. Honestly though that’s all I can recall. The text was quite long.
This was the big senior year for him. He organized a Bald for Bucks Campaign at his high school. Bald for Bucks is a charity in which the proceeds go to cancer research and people can donate their hair to be made into wigs. He had a record number of staff and students participation. He also had long curly brown hair. Gorgeous. He decided to shave it all off right down to the scalp! I watched with tears in my eyes. My daughter is willingly losing all the hair I watched grow. At the same time I was very proud of her for this accomplishment and her leadership. So now I have a bald kid who seemed to be moving in a direction that I was very unsure of. I was very uncomfortable. I can remember feeling anxious and worried about my child and what will college look like for her being gay. I was worried about bullying and having a child that would most likely be a target for hate groups.
As he graduated and summer took place things were pretty normal. He getting ready for college life and me getting ready for uncertainty. Little did I know this was start of our journey to transition.